“Let the girl go!”Or just let the girl be.
I know I am scared of searching for that treasure hidden inside inside me. It is a scary process – unearthing your true self and unleashing your maximum power upon this earth. In the end, I will likely discover that I really am a teacher and a writer, have been all along. But that doesn’t have to look the same as it has for the past 12 years, or fit a traditional mold.
But this process of creative discovery is not for now. Every time I try to explore this arena – find a meaningful livelihood or just something that uses my brain, my power, my passion, my potential – I am reminded that now is not my time.
Now is my time to be present in my reality, And that may not be doing my potential justice, but I think it’s an important act of resistance against the pressure of always needing to be something more.
Okay, the truth, if I had the means for more childcare, I would love to dive into this scary process and write and write and write and explore my creative brilliance and unfurl my power. But I simply can’t afford it. And I am most definitely too exhausted after 8pm – after getting the kids to bed, making tomorrow’s lunches, sweeping the never-ending shmutz off the floor, switching the laundry yet again – to do anything more productive than watch yesterday’s Daily Show, or delve into my creative forces beyond selecting tonight’s ice cream flavor combination.
I struggled for a couple of months, carving out time for writing during the day. But that meant ignoring the kids, allowing them one more show and then one more show. It led to the house becoming even more chaotic, and who can concentrate on writing when the house is a mess.
So, sure, there is plenty of hidden treasure buried in here. Actually, it’s probably not even so deep, but it certainly lies below the surface. But uncovering it is not for now. Trying only leads to suffering (and my Buddhist tendencies don’t like that).
Some, okay plenty, of women in my circles will demand “What kind of message is this giving your daughters?!” that you are dousing your potential to take care of your kids full time. Well, I am setting an example of not trying to do it all, of establishing limits.
These last few weeks of unending illness in my household have served as a reminder that my circumstances may not allow me to stray from my often mundane existence, don’t offer me an opportunity to start this necessary journey of self-discovery, but that really is okay.
This article appeared in The Intuitive Voice, the online publication of The Intuitive Writing Project.